Depleted

I’m exhausted.  Last Friday I collapsed after coming home at night.  Saturday I felt nauseous knowing I had to run errands and just take my grandmother out to lunch.  Monday I got to work called my mother and cried like a little girl because I was so tired.  I can’t take it anymore.  I made an appointment with a doctor and I plan to see him at the end of the week.  I was reluctant to go into see a doctor for my melasma and get all the testing people have talked about.  First, I don’t have insurance and I am scared how much this is going to cost me.  Second, if there is something internally going on, I don’t want to be pressured to take prescription medications.  But I know that I can't keep going on like this.  And I want some answers about what is going on with my face!!!!

They may be related, my exhaustion and my melasma.  I believe for some reason that they are.  Although I have been tired much longer than I have had the melasma, I believe that as one progressed the other decided to show up as another symptom. Could it be thyroid, or adrenal? 

Obsessed

I have become obsessed with my melasma.  I stare in the mirror, at close range, to see if it has spread and darkened.  I began to research causes and treatments online whenever I can.  I look at others faces and wonder why they don’t have it and I do.  I tell people like my hairdresser and massage therapist.  I guess I feel that they are going to notice it but out of politeness won’t say anything, but still wonder, “what’s with her face?”, so I might as well bring it out in the open and tell them.  I talk about it probably too consistently with my friends and family.  I think they are getting sick of me talking about it.  I wear hats most of the time, complain that I can’t be in the sun and scurry to the shade like an insect.  I have been called, “hat lady”, “vampire” and “movie-star” (hence the big hats and big sunglasses).  There are days I become very disappointment, angry, frustrated, fearful, sad and depressed because of it.  It has changed many things about me.  Not only the way I dress in terms of hats, but also how much time I spend looking at myself in the mirror or window. I have cut my hair to have bangs to hide the discoloration on my forehead. I decline to do outdoor activities with my friends. And I have stopped hobbies that I love like swimming, going to sporting events, skiing, and surfing.

There are times I tell myself to stop being so vain.  But it is my face.  It is what I and everyone else recognizes me by.  It is the first thing they look at when I introduce myself or say hi.  It is not life threatening and "it could be worse", but it still depresses me.

From the Top

I wanted to start a blog, a place to share my struggles, if not with anyone than at least with myself.  My struggles began 5 years ago.  Melasma is a skin condition that inflicts the face and is mostly in women.  Some call it hyper-pigmentation, “the pregnancy mask”, cholasma, etc.  They say that it is due to a hormonal imbalance due to pregnancy and birth control pills but I have also in my research heard it to be “estrogen dominance”, hypothyroid, adrenal fatigue, liver toxicity and copper toxicity.  Nobody really knows what causes it.  Not everybody is the same.  I have never been pregnant and stopped using BCP about 3 years ago, but I struggle with my melasma still.

About 5 years ago I began to notice a tan like darkening on my face especially over my eyebrows and my upper lip.  Then I began to notice more freckles and age spots.  The age spots were on my cheek, forehead and temple.   I contributed the changes to growing up in Arizona, and outdoor activities like surfing without being conscious of sunscreen or any sun protection.  I went to a dermatologist who told me that it was not cancer and gave me a prescription for hydroquinone.  His instructions were to spot treat the age spots and darker areas.  It didn’t get better, and I noticed that if I did go in the sun, it looked worse for weeks.  I still did not know what it was.

One vacation, I went home to visit my parents.  My mother, in all her directness, said that I have a mustache and need to wax my upper lip.  I explained to her that I have, even bleached it weekly, but it was the skin that was dark.  This was the beginning of my self-consciousness.  I figured that if my mother saw it, everyone must have but she was the only one who had the guts to tell me.  I was so embarrassed.  I wanted to cry.  I believe I did.  We decided the next day to go to her “skin person”.  There I had my first IPL and was told that what I had was called melasma and could be from my birth control pills.  That was the day I stopped my BCP all together.  IPL stands for intense pulsed light.  It is lazer of low intensity.  It felt like a strong rubber band that was snapped continuously over every inch of my face.  Afterward, it felt like I had a second degree burn all over my face for about 6 hours.  For about 5 days after, I looked like burnt toast.  Thin black scabs covered every millimeter of my face.  Eventually they peeled off.  I did notice a difference and wanted to continue the treatment despite the pain and recovery time.  So far I have had about 8 IPL treatments and although I no longer have a dark upper lip or age spots, my melasma continues in patches on my forehead and upper and lower cheeks.  About one and half years ago, I went to another dermatologist.  I was now able to diagnose myself but wanted to see if there was something else I could do.  I was put on the Obagi system.  Both treatments are very expensive and time draining.